Questions
by hmmfitz
Summary: Natalia POV after WOD - Otalia


**Disclaimer:** Guiding Light, Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Rafe Rivera, Frank Cooper and Gus Aituro, are all property of Proctor & Gamble and TeleNext. No copyright infringement intended.

1.

How had she made it out of the church? How'd she found her coat? The memory escaped her, but she had. Her feet seemed more in control than her head as they had carried her away, as if pursued by the howling dogs of her epiphany. She'd almost done it; she'd almost denied her way into marriage, into doing what Olivia had told her to do. Into what Olivia thought was best for them. "How could she tell me to marry him, after admitting that she …Oh God why is this happening to me?"

As she marched through the snow covered graveyard, she sighted the gazebo, the closest shelter from the soft but cold flakes of snow that were now maddeningly kissing her tear stained face and reminding her that she was awake, that this wasn't a dream. Running towards it, she prayed for sanctuary from the ache that was filling her heart.

She was gulping for air, as she felt her throat tighten, her shoulders shake and the ache within her heart break forth with a groan of truth. "Why? Why did she say it? As long as she didn't say it, I was safe. I was able to …. Oh … why did you let her say it?" She asked God. She could have been content to accept that she had found a loving true friend and that her feelings for Olivia were nothing more than that, couldn't she? Olivia, her dear sweet, strong and beautiful Olivia, they would have …. What?

Searching for sense, for clarity, she placed her head in her hands and closing her eyes she tried to order the myriad of thoughts screaming at her.

Why had she let it go this far? She'd been so sure that she was alone in her burgeoning feelings and that was the only reason she'd even agreed to Olivia's suggestion that she go out with Frank. Maybe their growing closeness had made Olivia uncomfortable; especially after that two mommy's thing and Frank had been a way of … She'd just wanted to keep everyone happy. She didn't want to loose the family she and Olivia had built and if that meant seeing Frank, what harm would it do…

How could you profess to be in love with someone and then send them into the arms of another? She now knew that Frank hadn't really been the one who successfully courted her, winning her heart with his thoughtfulness, it had been Olivia. But Olivia… she'd pushed them together.

Why? On today of all days had she said it out loud? She'd voiced Natalia's own thoughts and fears and then dragged her to the church and this sham of a wedding. Torn between her desire to please others and provide Rafe with what he needed, she'd almost married Frank! She'd almost let Olivia bully her into …. Throwing her head back she floundered in the wake of the memory….How could she have done that?

She'd almost lied in God's house, taken a sacred oath…. Denied the way she truly felt. Knowing the thoughts that had filled her nights for weeks now, she had prayed asking God why he would let her feel this way about another woman, let her soul ache for something so outside her own experience, her own expectations? But she'd found no answers.

Is this really what god wants for me? What must Rafe be thinking? Oh…. How can I tell him that I …….Could she even be happy with me? If she thought she could, surely she wouldn't have…

Turning in the hope that an answer would present itself, she met the eyes that haunted her. Eyes filled with such sadness, pain and concern.

2.

She shouldn't have driven home alone. The whole journey had seemed unreal, the wind catching her dress, her wedding dress as she'd climbed into her car, had made her feel like the ghost she felt.. Thank goodness no one had decorated it. An eighteen wheeler could have been chasing her and she wouldn't have known it as she drove home, her home, their home…..? Olivia and Emma… wouldn't be there… they wouldn't be waiting for her. Her anger had flared at the injustice, the cruelty, the wickedness that had been visited upon her.

Why hadn't she been able to keep layering that first lie? The one to herself; like the princess and the pea, Emily loved that story, it made her laugh. But the truth hadn't really been hidden beneath a tower of mattress lies, it had caused her pain and God had known it was there.

When had she become such a good a liar? Was this how the rest of her life would be? A quick succession of lies, anything but the truth, that harsh cruel truth that seemed to do nothing but hurt those she cared about. "I asked you to help me make the right choices Lord, and this, is where you lead me?" she questioned, trying like a drowning man to grab onto something stable, something that could keep her afloat, the one thing that always had, her faith. Was her punishment, to be left alone? Where had Rafe gone? Had he heard them?

Her thoughts rattled around her mind, echoing like the clipping of her heels on the flagstone flooring of the kitchen, the now seemingly barren kitchen. Even Olivia's favourite green mugs were gone, their comforting position beside the kettle seemed to scream at her – that they'd gone. She had felt the loss welling up and so she'd rushed through and into the living room. But that was no better, it was decked with banners, 'Natalia & Frank', shouting at her and her lower lip trembled as she recalled the lie - Olivia had opened the door, offering her an easy out, a dishonest but easy out and she'd taken it.

All of her life she had believed that God expected people to tell the truth, to live the truth of who they were and what they wanted. She'd tried her hardest to do that, she'd had her dream of what a family was since she was a little girl. She'd watched all those seemingly perfect families at church on Sundays, at christenings and confirmations. She'd wanted to be able to have what they had, the acceptance, the belonging, everything that had been missing when she found she was carrying Rafe.

She was so angry with herself, so disappointed in herself, she'd hurt Frank, he didn't deserve that, he hadn't done anything wrong, it had been her, all her. How could god continue to love her after what she'd almost done. Maybe he had abandoned her, she needed someone to talk to, but the only person she could trust with this was Olivia and she had walked away. How could she think I would grow to hate her? She hadn't done anything wrong, she was just being honest, telling me the truth, as she always did – unlike her.

It was as if her life had been taken over, as if she herself no longer had control. Was she being punished, for feeling love and denying it? Grabbing her head dress as if it was a crown of thorns she threw it across the sofa, if only she could do the same thing with the questions she had no answers for.

3.

Sitting crossed legged on her bed, listening to the shower as the water slowly heated up and staring out of the window, a churning in her stomach telling her that she hadn't eaten in a while, she discovered a new low. The one sane area remaining in her brain, knew that she should eat something, but food just wasn't really a priority, if anything the hollow feeling was what she wanted, what she felt comfortable with. The warmth was somehow gone from her lovely farmhouse and it felt cold – she had lost her family, again!

Was she wrong to feel what she had whenever they were here - together…. warm and safe and oh…. they made her feel strong and needed ….. they made her feel special, cared for and part of something loving; Olivia had believed in her, she protected and fought for her – hell – fought with her – she owed Olivia so much. But she had been so scared of how much it came to mean to her, how much she wanted 'Team Us' to work, how much she'd put into making it work. They'd been a team, a family….. and they'd made her so…. Happy. So, she'd grown to love them….what was so wrong with that?

All she'd wanted was a normal life, nothing stand out, nothing extraordinary. Just a plain normal life. Now it just seemed as if god was laughing at her, by putting her in this situation. No – she couldn't blame him, she'd done this to herself, she'd run away from … oh hell she hadn't even been sure what she was running from. She'd only known that it scared her and made her doubt herself. She'd almost kissed Olivia in the hospital! There had been so many moments like that over the last few months, moments when she didn't even recognise herself.

Olivia's graveside declaration should have shocked her, but it hadn't, deep down she'd known – oh she'd known. What a liar she was. She'd hoped it would just go away, that they'd just grow out of it, like any other crush. Believing that it was just because she'd never had a friend like her, never had someone who wanted her to push herself, wanted her to grow

What she hadn't expected was for Olivia declaration to make her heart flutter, because it had, until she'd questioned what that would mean. No, until Olivia had made her realise what that could mean. When had Olivia become so sensible and grounded? She was right Emma would be made to suffer if they… If they what? She didn't even know what two women…. how two women, two – Lesbians – was that what they were now? No!

She'd never been attracted to another woman in her life. Olivia had had more men that… that was a cruel and judgemental thought and she took it back – she'd been looking for love and just well… she'd shown some poor judgement. She could hardly pass judgement, she'd been how old when Rafe began to grow in her belly? She'd spent her entire life running towards normal, towards what she had been told was normal. Okay so Olivia wasn't a saint, she wasn't one either, she'd slept with Frank out of wedlock; wasn't that just another attempt to run towards what was normal! She wasn't exactly a bastion of purity.

The shower probably wouldn't help any, she didn't know what she expected - that the water would just wash all of the confusion and her sins? Taking of the wedding dress proved harder than she'd expected, beautiful though it was, it took two people to get into the thing and apparently it took two to get you out, she fought vainly with the buttons for about fifteen minutes and then without thinking she called out for Olivia?!?


End file.
